When Someone Talks Behind Your Back — How to Cope and Sort the Feeling

Somewhere you weren't, someone had been speaking ill of you — the moment you learn it, your head fills with frustration and unease. "Why would they," "is the cause in me" — you circle it over and over. With words that chip away at you the more seriously you take them, taking some distance to settle the feeling first — before reacting right away — is the strongest defense.

Being shaken is natural

Being shaken when someone speaks ill of you is a completely natural reaction, it's said. The more you force yourself to believe "I don't care" or "I'm fine," the more the feeling smolders below the surface and, on the contrary, tires you.

First, acknowledge it just as it is: "I'm hurt right now." Rather than judging the emotion, receive it as fact. Instead of suppressing the agitation, feeling it through once becomes the entry point to regaining your composure.

Don't fire back right away — take distance

When you're bad-mouthed, you naturally want to fire back directly — but trading blows emotionally is said to blow things up and drain you more. Before moving on momentum, it matters to take some distance and give yourself time to cool down.

Is this bad-mouthing something that really needs a response, or something you can let slide? In many cases it's not too late to judge after letting a little time pass. Not sparring on their ring isn't losing — it's choosing not to fight a tiring match.

Separate their words from your worth

Bad-mouthing often springs from the speaker's own side — jealousy, insecurity, venting stress — and the cause isn't necessarily in you, it's said. You don't have to receive every piece of bad-mouthing as "an accurate judgment of yourself."

You can view the facts and their emotional words as separate. When it still won't leave your head, one method is to write out the "things you couldn't say" on paper or in an app, and set it outside for a while. The reason Yurusen offers the small step of "filing" someone into a ledger is exactly this — so you don't carry the emotion, but let it go as a record.

When the distress lasts

If trying to sort the feeling doesn't lift it, or the bad-mouthing won't leave your head and you can't sleep, and it continues for a long time, don't carry it alone. Talking to someone you trust, or consulting a professional, is also an important choice for protecting yourself. Someone's bad-mouthing does not lower your worth.

On protecting yourself when online abuse hurts, see also When Online Abuse Hurts — How to Protect Your Heart and Where to Turn.