How to Handle Someone Who Breaks Promises

You believed "this time for sure," and it's broken again. Last-minute cancellations, forgetting what was promised, saying it but never doing it — when someone who breaks promises is nearby, each time leaves you feeling betrayed, worn down bit by bit. Changing the other person is hard, but adjusting how much you expect changes how much your heart gets chipped away considerably.

Getting angry when it's broken is natural

Getting angry when a promise is broken is a completely natural reaction, it's said. Feeling betrayed is only natural, in proportion to how much you'd expected. There's no need to blame yourself with "getting angry over something like this."

First, rather than suppressing that anger as "something you shouldn't feel," acknowledge it just as it is: "I'm hurt right now." Rather than judging the emotion, receive it as fact. From there, the room to calmly consider how to respond is born.

Adjust how much you expect

Changing, by your own power, someone who won't keep promises no matter what you say is said to be hard. What's more realistic is to adjust, just a little, how much you expect of them.

With someone who doesn't keep promises, anticipate the "not kept" case in advance, don't count too heavily on important plans, and have an alternative ready — by lightening the weight of your expectations, the drop when a promise is broken grows smaller, and the drain eases. This isn't about not trusting them; it's a guard so your own heart doesn't swing too far.

If it repeats, reconsider the distance too

Not keeping a promise is often a matter of the other person's side, and doesn't necessarily mean they think little of you, it's said. That said, if you're hurt over and over again, reconsidering how you engage with them and the distance you keep is also an important choice that protects you.

When a feeling you can't swallow lingers, one method is to write out the "things you couldn't say" on paper or in an app, and set it outside for a while. The reason Yurusen offers the small step of "filing" someone into a ledger is exactly this — so you don't carry the emotion, but let it go as a record.

When the distress lasts

If letting go of expectations doesn't lift your mood, or you can't sleep for thinking about the person, and it continues for a long time, don't carry it alone. Talking to someone you trust, or consulting a professional, is also an important choice for protecting yourself. Even when a promise is broken, you remain someone worthy of being valued.

On sorting the feeling of being betrayed, see also When You Can't Forgive or Forget a Betrayal — Getting It Out of Your Head.