When Self-Loathing Wears You Down — Before You Blame Yourself

I did it again; why am I like this. You compare yourself to others and sink, and blame yourself every time something goes wrong. When self-loathing wears you down, a voice inside — "I'm no good" — replays without rest.

But rather than forcing self-loathing away, it can be easier in the end to know what it is and put a little distance between you and it. In this article, we'll talk — calmly — about things to try when self-loathing wears you down.

Self-loathing grows stronger in people who hold an ideal

Self-loathing intensifies when you feel a gap between "who you want to be" and "who you actually are." In other words, the more you hold a high ideal or care about others, the harder you become on the self that falls short, and the more prone you are to self-loathing.

This is proof that you are trying to be sincere. Someone who cares about nothing doesn't blame themselves at all. Before condemning yourself wholesale with "I'm a hopeless person," try looking and asking, "what kind of self am I aiming for?" As the ideal comes into view, the blaming voice loosens a little.

Separate "you" from "your thoughts"

Self-loathing wears you down because you believe the thought "I'm no good" as if it were a fact. But it is only one thought — not you yourself.

When you notice a negative thought looping in your head, step back and restate it: "right now, I'm thinking I'm no good." "I'm no good" and "I'm thinking I'm no good" are entirely different. The latter has a gap between you and the thought. That slight distance becomes a foothold for stepping out of the rumination.

Write it out and get the blaming voice outside your head

The voice of self-loathing grows louder the longer it's kept inside your head. This is where writing that voice out helps.

• Write, as it is, the situation where you felt "I'm no good" and the thought you had.
• Review whether that thought is a fact, or an assumption.
• Write what you would say to a friend in the same situation.

Yurusen is an app for quietly filing away this kind of lingering knot. Note down the self-loathing and haze you can't tell anyone into a ledger only you can read, and draw a soft line under it. You don't have to force the feeling away. Just set it outside yourself for now, so you don't collapse under its weight. Even that makes it far easier to breathe.

Offer yourself the same kindness you give others

When a friend fails, we can gently say, "that happens to everyone" — yet toward ourselves, we tend to be relentlessly harsh. Noticing this gap is the first step to softening self-loathing.

If someone close to you were blaming themselves over the same thing, what would you say? Try turning those words toward yourself. Blaming yourself only adds to the strain. May you allow yourself, just a little, the same kindness you offer others.

If you'd like to know more about sorting feelings by writing, see also Emotional Journaling and Self-Care.