When Comparing Yourself to Others Hurts — How to Hold the Feeling

Every time you open social media, someone's full, happy post catches your eye. A fun trip, work going smoothly, a joyful announcement. You see it, set it against your own days, and your chest slowly grows heavy. And are you blaming yourself further — "getting down over something like this" — for hurting when you compare?

Comparing yourself to others is not a sign of weak willpower. In this article, we'll talk — calmly — about how to hold your heart when comparing yourself to others hurts.

Comparing yourself is a natural workings of the mind

To begin with, comparing yourself to others is said to be a perfectly natural workings of the mind, trying to confirm where you stand. Living without comparing yourself to anyone is, in truth, extremely hard.

Social media in particular is a place where only other people's "good sides" are cut out and lined up. Only the moments that are going well get posted; the hardship and stagnation behind them don't show. In other words, what you're comparing yourself against isn't the other person as they are, but the single scene where they look their most radiant. Just knowing "comparing is natural, and what I compare against is an edited slice" shifts the weight on your heart a little.

Behind "envy" hides what you want

When you feel low after comparing, feelings of "envy" and "it stings" arise. Many people try to erase these feelings as something shameful. But that is exactly where the hint lies.

Envy is an arrow pointing at what you truly want. Trace what it is about the other person you envy, and hidden wishes come into view — "I want to be recognized too," "I want to be freer." Rather than erasing the feeling, look at "what was it I wanted?" Just giving your sense of inferiority an outline turns it from a mere burden into a clue for knowing yourself.

Write the comparing feeling out and set it outside

Left sitting in your head, envy and sting become fuel for comparing yourself with the same person over and over. This is where "writing it down" helps.

On the premise that no one else will see it, write out, as is, whose what you envied and how you felt at the time. Don't try to tidy it up; putting the sting into words as it is is fine. Yurusen is a quiet place for exactly this recording. File the restless feeling gently into a place only yours, and set it outside your heart for now. The comparison that was swirling in your head, once let out and looked at, shrinks to a size a little easier to handle.

Shift who you compare against to "yesterday's self"

As long as you keep comparing yourself to others, there's always someone above, and the pain never ends. Zeroing out comparison itself is hard, but you can gradually shift who you compare against to "yesterday's self."

Rather than someone's single scene, set your self of a little while ago beside your self now. Look at where you've moved forward, however small. As you grow used to that viewpoint, even seeing others' posts shakes your heart less and less. On sorting the feeling of blaming yourself when things don't go well, see also Facing the Feeling You Can't Forgive. When the pain lasts, don't carry it alone — don't forget that leaning on a professional is an option.