When Someone Is Mean to You — How to Cope and Guard Your Heart

Not out in the open, but it stings all the same. Being deliberately avoided, hearing snide remarks, being handled carelessly only when it's you. After someone is mean, a murky feeling refuses to fade. You don't have the energy to hit back, but enduring it like this hurts too. Are you carrying an emotion with nowhere to go?

When someone is mean to you, how should you cope? In this article, we'll talk — calmly — about how to sort your feelings while protecting your heart.

Even if you can't get properly angry, your sense is right

The tricky thing about meanness is that, unlike an open attack, it's hard to pin down. Many people pull their anger back, thinking "maybe it's just my imagination," "maybe I'm only overthinking it."

But a lingering murkiness is a sign from your senses that something did happen. Not being able to get angry isn't because you're weak — it's proof you're taking the situation in carefully. First, don't deny your own sense: "of course it feels murky." Not doubting what you felt is the first step in coping.

Toward "reducing the damage" rather than hitting back

When someone is mean, a feeling of "I want to do the same back" can arise. But standing on the same ground as them often only wears your own heart down further and tangles things.

What matters is thinking about coping in the direction of reducing the damage you take, rather than trying to change the other person. Don't get closer than necessary. Avoid being alone with them. Thin out your reactions so you don't give them the sense that it's "landing." People who are mean tend to escalate when a reaction comes back. Reducing how much you react isn't running away — it's a fine way of protecting yourself.

Write the murkiness out and set it outside

Left sitting in your head, the murkiness of meanness wears your heart down as the same scene replays again and again. This is where "writing it down" helps.

On the premise that no one else will see it, write out, as is, what was done and how you felt at the time. Even if you can't word it well, as you felt it is fine. Yurusen is a quiet place for exactly this recording. File the person who was mean to you quietly into a ledger only you can read; instead of hurling the feeling at them, set it outside for now. The murkiness that was swirling in your head, once let out and looked at, shrinks to a size a little easier to handle.

Don't carry it alone — keep an ally

The more you carry meanness alone, the easier it becomes to convince yourself "maybe I'm the one at fault." Talk to someone you trust, keep a record, and if needed share it with a third party or a support desk. Just having an ally who knows your situation changes how you take it in considerably.

You don't have to force yourself to forgive the person who was mean. Just set the feeling outside and keep your distance, so you don't collapse under the weight. If you'd like to know more about facing feelings you can't forgive, see also Facing the Feeling You Can't Forgive. When it's painful enough to affect your work or health, please don't forget that leaning on an in-house support desk or a professional is an option.