Jealous of People's Lives on Instagram? Close the App Before You Compare, and Write

You opened social media without much thought. With each flick of your finger, photos of trips abroad, wedding announcements, news of promotions and new ventures, smiling group shots flow past one after another. At first you were tapping "like," but as you keep watching, something in your chest grows steadily heavier. "Everyone's life is so full, and I'm the only one going nowhere."

Before you know it, you're lining up other people's glossy days against your own unchanging routine in your head, comparing. Envy and a sense of inadequacy mix together, and though you meant to sleep, your eyes are wider awake than ever. This article is about writing out that feeling to gain distance — closing the phone before you sink into comparison — when the shine on social media stings with envy.

Getting jealous on social media is only natural

The first thing worth knowing is that getting jealous on social media isn't because you're small-minded. Social media lines up only each person's best-looking, hand-picked moments. The breathtaking travel views and the happy announcements don't show the doubt and exhaustion behind them.

Taking in those "edited best moments," dozens of people in a row, makes your heart waver through comparison — a natural response. And you know your own ordinary reality from the inside, while you can only see the best-looking outside of someone else's life. You're running a comparison that's unfair from the start.

So there's no need to blame yourself for feeling envious. What deserves review isn't your smallness of heart but the situation of being exposed, at length, to an environment designed to make comparison happen easily. Start there.

When envy strikes, close the app first

Envy swells as you keep scrolling and the material for comparison piles up. The longer you keep looking with "just one more," the deeper you sink. So the best first response, the moment you notice envy, is to close the app once.

Once you've closed it, write the feeling that arose in a space for your own writing. "I'm envious." "Why is it only me?" "What am I even doing?" You don't have to make it pretty — write it in the words that surfaced. Envy looped in your head loses its pressure once you get it onto the page, and you can view it from a small distance.

What many people notice while writing is that what hid under the envy wasn't ill will toward anyone, but a wish of your own: "I want to move forward too," "I want to value my own days too."

Choose "when you look" for yourself

You don't have to quit social media entirely. Just choosing when, and in what state, you look can sharply cut envy's effect. You're especially prone to it on tired nights or when you're already low.

Decide your own rules in advance — "I won't open it before bed," "I won't look on days I'm down." Turn off notifications so you only open it on your own timing. Even small moves like these markedly reduce how often you take in envy defenseless. Changing the environment is far more reliable than willpower.

Translate envy into "your own wish"

Once you've written it out and settled, try posing one question: "What, exactly, am I envious of in that post?" Is it the trip itself, the free time, being recognized? Hidden in the answer is a hint of what you truly want.

Other people's shine can be material that wears you down through comparison — or a clue that shows you what you want to value. Which way you use it is something you can calmly choose after writing the feeling out and sorting it. Turning your eyes back to your own wish, rather than someone else's life, is the shortcut out of envy.

When the low mood lingers

Feeling down for a while because of social media is natural, but it deserves attention when it lingers. If self-criticism grows and low mood or sleeplessness lasts more than two weeks, it may be more than a passing feeling. At times like that, don't carry it alone; please consider talking to a mental health clinic or a counselor.

It's okay to let the envy out as a "curse"

Even if your head knows "there's no point comparing," your heart won't switch over so easily right after taking in all that shine. Rather than overwriting it with forced positive words, it's far quicker to feel better by writing the envy down as it is and getting it outside your head.

Noroi Nikki is an app for those nights. There's no need to convert it into positivity. Saved journal text is not public to other users. Envy over social media grows darker the more you keep taking it in, and lighter the more you close the app and write. Tonight, close the phone, write the envy out, and let it go.

References

• Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8(3), 162–166. (A landmark study showing that expressive writing — putting emotions and experiences into words — is linked to reduced mental and physical stress.)