I'm Too Jealous and I Hate It: How to Tame Envy by Writing It Out

A friend is talking happily about their new partner. You hear a colleague got promoted. Your partner is laughing with someone else. Each time, something in your chest tightens and goes heavy. "That's great," you say, while a different feeling coils up inside. Then you get home and the same regret returns: "Why am I so jealous?"

More than the jealousy itself, it's the self-loathing over being jealous at every turn that slowly wears you down. You can't be simply glad for people, you envy their happiness — surely that means your character is flawed. Blaming yourself that way only makes it hurt more. This article is about taming a jealous streak by writing it out, rather than forcing it to disappear.

A jealous streak isn't a "character flaw"

The first thing worth knowing is that being prone to jealousy doesn't come from having an unusually small heart. Envy is said to intensify when you lack confidence or carry unmet longings.

In other words, being more jealous than others is a sign of how much you're holding the anxiety that "I'm not enough as I am." More than envying the other person, the unfilled part of you is showing its face, through comparison, in the shape of jealousy.

That's exactly why blaming yourself for it makes nothing better. The more you condemn yourself, the more your confidence erodes, and that lack of confidence calls up the next wave of envy. The self-criticism of "being jealous makes me bad" is the very fuel that deepens the jealous streak. So start by breaking that loop.

Don't erase it — write it out and tame it

Jealousy is a reflexive feeling. The harder you try "not to be jealous," the more your attention fixes on it, and the bigger the envy looks. Feelings are far easier to handle once you've gotten them all the way out than when you strain to erase them.

So it helps to write the envy that arose, just as it is, into a place no one else can see. "It's not fair." "Why is it always them?" "Honestly, part of me hoped it wouldn't work out." You don't have to make it pretty — write it in the words that came to mind. Jealousy that keeps swelling while it loops in your head loses its pressure once you get it onto the page.

As you write, many people notice something. What was hidden under the envy wasn't ill will toward the other person, but an urgent wish of your own: "I want to be recognized too," "I want to become that, too." Envy is also a marker showing where that wish resides.

Separate the feeling from the action

The hardest part of a jealous streak is that the feeling seeps into how you behave. Interrogating a partner, going cold on a friend, being unable to celebrate a success — such actions chip away at the relationships you value and always come back later as self-loathing.

Here what supports you is the idea of separating the feeling from the action. You can't stop feeling jealous. But whether you aim that feeling at the other person is yours to choose. Vent the envy into a journal no one can see, and treat them as you always do. Preparing an outlet for the feeling in advance lets you hold the jealousy and still avoid straining the relationship.

"Feeling it" carries no blame. The only thing you're responsible for is "how you behave." Once you can hold these two apart, you can forgive your jealous self far more easily.

Track your jealousy patterns to grasp them

As the writing habit takes hold, another benefit appears. You start to see the pattern of when, toward whom, and about what you tend to feel jealous.

Does it flare in romance, in work recognition, or on nights after scrolling social media? As records accumulate, the triggers become concrete. Once you know the trigger, small prevention becomes possible — "tonight, I'll keep social media closed." A jealous streak is a feeling you can tame once you learn how to handle it, even if you can't erase it.

When the low mood lingers

Feeling down for a while because of jealousy is natural, but it deserves attention when it lingers. If self-criticism grows and low mood or sleeplessness lasts more than two weeks, or you can't feel everyday pleasures, it may be more than a passing feeling. At times like that, don't carry it alone; please consider talking to a mental health clinic or a counselor.

It's okay to let the envy out as a "curse"

Trying to overwrite a jealous self with a "big-hearted person" won't make the feeling obey so easily. It's far quicker to feel better by writing the envy down as it is and getting it outside your head.

Noroi Nikki is an app for those days. There's no need to convert it into positivity. We built it as a place where you can let out the dark feeling you swallowed as a "curse," exactly as it is. What you write is seen by no one, and no one you care about is dragged in. Envy grows darker the more you hide it, and easier to tame the more you write it and own it. Write today's envy out while it's still today, and gently let it go.

References

• Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8(3), 162–166. (A landmark study showing that expressive writing — putting emotions and experiences into words — is linked to reduced mental and physical stress.)