Jealous of a Coworker Getting Praised? Write the Dark Feeling Out and Own It

Your name isn't the one called at the morning meeting — your coworker's is, and the manager is praising them. You started around the same time, yet somewhere along the way a gap opened up. "That's amazing." "Congratulations." You say the words out loud while, deep in your chest, other words are stirring: "Why is it always them?" The wish to celebrate and the envy you don't want to admit grind against each other inside you.

Then you get home, and now you start blaming yourself for having felt envious. "Not being able to be happy for someone — I must be small-minded." More than the jealousy itself, it's the loathing of yourself for feeling it that slowly corners you. This article is about owning the "dark feeling" that stirs at work — handling it by writing, instead of denying it.

Envy doesn't stir because you're "small-minded"

The first thing worth knowing is that jealousy is by no means a feeling only unusually small-minded people have. Envy is said to arise precisely because there's something you truly want to protect, and a wish to be recognized.

In other words, feeling envious of a coworker's recognition is the flip side of the fact that you, too, want to be recognized for that work. People don't feel envy over the trivial success of someone they don't care about. The very fact that it stings is proof that this is a domain that matters to you.

That's exactly why blaming yourself for envy misses the point. Rather than a flaw to condemn, you can receive the feeling anew — as a signal telling you what you hold dear.

Write the "dark feeling" out as it is

Jealousy hurts, in most cases, because you try to cram it down as a feeling you "must not have." A crammed-down feeling doesn't disappear; it changes shape and erupts as self-loathing or as taking things out on others.

So it helps to write that dark feeling, just as it is, into a place no one else can see. "It's not fair." "Why is it always them?" "Honestly, part of me wished they'd fail." You don't have to make it pretty — write it in the words that came to mind. Because no one else will see it, you can get the unvarnished truth all the way out.

As you write, many people notice something. What was hidden under the envy wasn't ill will toward the other person, but an urgent wish of your own: "I want to be recognized in the same way," "I want my effort seen too." Once you empty out all the dark words, the real feeling underneath shows its face.

Separate the feeling from the action

The thing to avoid most with jealousy is letting it seep into how you treat your coworker. Being cold, withholding credit, badmouthing them behind their back — such actions not only wreck the relationship, they come back later as self-loathing.

Here the crucial idea is to separate the feeling from the action. You can't stop feeling envy. But whether you aim that feeling at the other person is yours to choose. Vent the jealousy into a journal no one can see, and treat your coworker as you always do. By keeping the outlet for the feeling separate in advance, you can hold the dark feeling and still avoid straining the relationship.

Translate envy into "room to grow"

Once you've written the envy out and settled, try posing one last question: "What, exactly, am I envious of in that person?" Hidden in the answer is a hint about the direction you want to grow next.

If it's their presentation skills you envy, then you, too, value being able to convey things to others. If it's their recognition, then you, too, wish to be justly acknowledged. Envy can be a tool that wears you down through comparison — or a map that shows you what you truly want. Which way you use it is something you can choose after you've written it out and sorted it through.

Don't push through if the low mood lingers

Feeling down for a while because of envy is natural, but it deserves attention when it lingers. If self-criticism grows and low mood or sleeplessness lasts more than two weeks, or you can't concentrate at work, it may be more than a passing feeling.

At times like that, you don't have to force yourself to right your mood alone. Please consider leaning on a professional — an occupational physician, a mental health clinic, or an internal or external support line.

It's okay to let the envy out as a "curse"

Telling yourself you ought to be genuinely happy for another's success won't make the feeling obey when you're truly envious. Rather than overwriting it with forced words of congratulation, it's far easier to write the envy down as it is and get it outside your head.

Noroi Nikki is an app for those days. There's no need to convert it into positivity. We built it as a place where you can let out the dark feeling you swallowed at work as a "curse," exactly as it is. What you write is seen by no one, and no one else is dragged in. Envy grows darker the more you hide it, and lighter the more you own it. Write today's dark feeling out, own it while it's still today, and gently let it go.

References

• Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8(3), 162–166. (A landmark study showing that expressive writing — putting emotions and experiences into words — is linked to reduced mental and physical stress.)