When You Can't Hold Back the Irritation — Riding Out the Wave of Anger

"I can't hold back the irritation." At times like that, we often feel tossed around by our own emotions. You want to snap back, to throw it at them — but doing so leaves a bad taste. Caught in that bind, only the anger keeps losing its way.

In this article, we introduce, from a calm self-help perspective, a way of thinking about riding out that wave rather than forcing the irritation down.

Irritation is better "let out" than "held back"

Strong anger is said to be not a sign of weak will but a natural response trying to protect you from danger or unfairness. That's exactly why, when you try to force it down, the energy can end up smouldering instead.

What matters is not trying to erase the feeling itself. Don't deny the "you who is irritated"; then, on top of that, think about where to channel the momentum. Handling it in the direction of letting it out, rather than suppressing it, makes it a little easier to manage.

First, wait a few dozen seconds for the wave to recede

The surge of anger is said to peak in the first few seconds. Acting in that moment tends to lead to regret.

So first, take a breath. If you can, step away from the situation for a moment. Go to the restroom, get some fresh air, drink a glass of water — just putting physical distance between you and the trigger makes it easier to avoid a momentum-driven reaction. The wave will always, little by little, recede.

Once calm, write down "what irritated me"

Once the wave has eased somewhat, next try writing out "what, and how, irritated me" to sort it out. The knack is to turn your focus to what you felt, not to words that judge the other person. "The way that was said made me feel treated lightly" — just making the outline clear settles the emotion a little.

The reason Yurusen adds the small step of "filing" someone into a ledger is exactly this — so you don't just hurl the momentum out, but set it down, for now, as a record. For more on the effects of writing, see also The Psychology of Writing Out Anger.

When it still won't settle

When the irritation lasts for days, or you can't sleep, or it disrupts daily life — don't carry it alone; consider consulting a professional such as a psychosomatic clinic or counselor. Devising ways to let feelings out is an important tool, but there is also distress too heavy to hold with that alone. Not overdoing it, and keeping somewhere to turn to, is also one way of protecting yourself.