How to Calm Down When the Irritation Won't Stop — Riding Out the Wave of Anger

"The irritation just won't stop." Sometimes the reason is clear; other times, for no obvious cause, you feel on edge all day and react to the smallest things. The more you try to suppress it, the more frayed the feeling gets — this is a sensation many people know.

In this article, we introduce, from a calm self-help view, a way to ride out the wave of unstoppable irritation little by little, rather than forcing it down.

Irritation that won't stop isn't weakness

Strong irritation is said to be not a matter of weak will or personality, but also a natural reaction that tries to protect you from fatigue and tension. When lack of sleep continues, or you keep your guard up, switching off a feeling doesn't go well, and irritation is thought to linger more easily.

What matters first is not blaming the "self that can't stop." Rather than denying the fact that you're irritated, turn your eyes to whether your body and mind are stretched tight right now. That alone shifts your distance from the feeling a little.

First make a gap, and wait for the wave to recede

The surge of anger and irritation is said to peak in the first several seconds. Snapping back or hitting something in that instant tends to lead to regret.

So first, try taking a breath. If you can, step away from the spot for a moment. Open a window and breathe outside air, drink a glass of water, walk a little — just switching toward loosening the body makes it easier to avoid a momentum-driven reaction. The wave will surely recede, little by little.

Once calm, write down "what irritated me"

When the wave has eased somewhat, next try writing out "what, and how, irritated me." The knack is to turn your focus to what you felt, not to words that judge the other person or the situation. "That one remark made me feel treated lightly." "With errands back to back, I had no room." Just making the outline clear makes the emotion a little easier to handle.

The reason Yurusen adds the small step of "filing" someone you can't forgive into a ledger is exactly this — so you don't just hurl the momentum out, but set it down, for now, as a record. For more on the effects of writing, see also The Psychology of Writing Out Anger.

When it still won't settle

When irritation lasts for days, or you can't sleep, or it disrupts daily life — don't carry it alone; consider consulting a professional such as a psychosomatic clinic or counselor. Devising ways to let feelings out is an important tool, but there is also distress too heavy to hold with that alone. Not overdoing it, and keeping somewhere to turn to, is also one way of protecting yourself.