When You Want to Believe Someone "Had It Coming" — Facing That Feeling

"After treating me like that, the trouble they're in now is their own doing." Toward someone you can't forgive, you may want to think so. And then you feel a little guilty for trying to pass judgment on a person. This article talks about a calm way to face the wish to believe someone "had it coming."

What "jigou jitoku" means

"Jigou jitoku" is a Buddhist-derived phrase meaning that you yourself receive the results of your own deeds — your "karma." Originally it applied to both good and bad deeds, though in everyday use it has come to mostly mean "receiving the return for one's own wrongdoing."

What matters is that this is one of many old ways of seeing — nothing more. There's no way to verify from the outside whether someone's misfortune is truly "their own doing." That's precisely why using the phrase to sort out your own feelings, rather than to pin a verdict on the other person, keeps your heart calmer.

Wanting to believe it is natural

Wanting to think the other person "had it coming" — behind that there is usually the unbearable thought: "I was hurt unfairly, yet they've paid no price at all." Wanting to think "serves them right" at their misfortune is a natural response of a wounded heart.

The first thing to know is that the feeling itself is proof you were deeply hurt. Instead of dismissing yourself as "cold for wishing someone ill," first acknowledge the feeling: "I was hurt badly enough to feel this way."

Rather than judging them, look at your own wound

But reciting "they had it coming" over the other person in your head doesn't heal the wound underneath. As long as you pour your feelings into judging them, your viewpoint stays fixed on their side. That may be why you don't feel any better.

What helps here is "writing it down," which turns the viewpoint from them back to you. Instead of whether they "had it coming," write out what you were hurt by, and how. Written on the premise that no one else will see it, the swirling feeling gains an outline and shrinks to a size you can handle.

• You don't need the real name — an alias is enough.
• Don't try to tidy it up; the words as you feel them are fine.
• You can write "I think they had it coming." Writing is not doing.

Yurusen is an app for "writing it and drawing a line under it." File the person you couldn't forgive quietly into a ledger only you can read. Instead of endlessly judging them, sort out your own feelings and keep your distance. Even that makes it far easier to breathe.

Leave the judging to the heavens; keep the care for yourself

The wish to believe someone "had it coming" won't vanish the day after you write it. It surfaces again in an unexpected moment, and you write a little more. Through that repetition, the temperature of the feeling slowly drops.

Little by little, turn the time and energy you'd spent judging the other person toward caring for your own heart. That may be the gentlest way to live alongside this feeling. If the distress lasts, don't carry it alone — consider talking to a professional.

Pieces on "judgment" and "retribution" in the same world can also be found from the Wraith Codex page.