No One to Talk To About Your Problems? Make a Place to Write Your Refuge

You know it would feel lighter to say it. But if you confide this, you might trouble the other person, they might pull away, and honestly you're not sure you could even explain it well. And so, as you keep swallowing the words, the problem stacks up inside you alone, like luggage you can hand to no one. You get through the day with a smile, yet deep down you're carrying something heavy the whole time. Aren't you living days like that?

Carrying a problem you can't tell anyone, entirely on your own, wears the mind down more than you'd expect. In this article we'll unpack why holding it in silence becomes so painful, and explore writing about it without worrying about an audience.

Why an "unspeakable worry" grows heavy

One big reason a worry grows heavy is holding it only inside your head. A thought you put neither into speech nor onto paper loses its way out and circles the same spot again and again. The longer this rumination continues, the larger the worry feels than its actual size, it's said.

The act of talking to someone naturally works to put feelings into words, get them out, and organize them. As you talk, "what was I so caught on?" comes into view, and that alone often lightens things a little. Put the other way, while that outlet stays blocked, the worry keeps piling up inside, undigested.

That's exactly why, even without someone to talk to, it matters to secure an outlet for your feelings in some other form.

Even if you can't talk, there's an outlet in writing

If there's no one to talk to, use the outlet of writing. Writing, like talking, works to put feelings into words and get them outside you. And the one you're writing to is yourself. No worry about troubling anyone, no worry about being pushed away, no need to fret over whether you can explain it well.

What matters is not trying to make it neat. Write in the order things come to mind, unfinished is fine. In fact, venting it plainly as it is tends to make it easier to get the emotion out.

A way to release the worry you carry

First, write out the thing catching on your heart the most right now — a single line is enough. "I'm actually afraid of ." " has been hurting for so long." It's fine if you can't say it well. Once it's down, continue below it with "why do I feel this way" and "what is the worst part," as they come to you.

As you write on, the worry that was tangled in your head slowly loosens and lines up. You don't have to solve all of it. First, just get it out of your head into a form you can see. That alone can ease a little of the weight you were carrying.

You never have to show what you wrote to anyone. In fact, it's precisely the reassurance that you do not have to show it to anyone that lets you write your true feelings unadorned. That reassurance is the very core of a refuge for your heart.

Writing doesn't have to be "solving"

Writing won't make the worry itself vanish right away, and that's fine. The point of writing is to loosen, just a little, a heart drawn taut from carrying a problem alone. Before solving, first acknowledge your own feeling, yourself — with that foundation, there's room to think about the next step.

And if, as you write and sort through it, you come to feel "I really should talk to someone about this," that too is an important realization. Writing can also be preparation for talking to a person.

When it feels like too much to carry alone

If low mood or anxiety lasts a long time and you can't sleep, can't focus on anything, or it disrupts daily life, it's generally considered a sign to talk to a professional such as a doctor, a mental health specialist, or a local support line without toughing it out. The very worries that feel impossible to tell anyone are the ones we tend to carry alone. The methods here are everyday self-care and not a substitute for professional support. With a confidential helpline, you can safely say even what you can't tell the people close to you.

Venting as a "curse" is allowed too

Trying to swallow an unspeakable worry by telling yourself "I'm overthinking it" or "it's not a big deal" leaves the feeling, once again, with nowhere to go. You don't have to force it into something positive.

Saved journal text in Noroi Nikki is not public to other users. On a night with no one to talk to, set the luggage you've been carrying gently down in this refuge.

References

• James W. Pennebaker, Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions (Guilford Press, 1997). A foundational body of research on the effects of writing out feelings you can't confide, known as expressive writing.