When Your Parents Don't Understand You: Write Your True Feelings and Protect Yourself

Do you remember the night you steeled yourself and opened up to your parents about how you felt? What you'd been struggling with, what had hurt, what you truly wanted. You finally put it into words — and what came back was "you're overthinking it," "everyone goes through that," "we had it much harder back then." Your sincerity slipped right past them, as if through a pane of glass.

What you wanted understood wasn't rightness or a solution, but just the single line, "I see — that must have been hard." The frustration and loneliness of not being understood stayed in your chest, and you shut your mouth: "I'll never talk to them again." Then you quietly sink, wondering whether it's your fault for not being understood. This article is about owning the pain of not being understood by your parents — writing your true feelings out to sort them, and protecting yourself.

The pain of not being understood isn't small

The first thing worth knowing is that the pain of not being understood by your parents is by no means an overreaction. People wish "to be understood" most of all by those closest to them, and being turned away there can hurt more deeply than being denied by a stranger.

And that pain doesn't necessarily arise because you explain things badly. Everyone has a "framework of understanding" shaped by their values and experiences, and no matter how carefully you convey something, a story that doesn't fit the other person's framework tends not to land, it's said. When generations and life circumstances differ, that gap grows even wider. In other words, not being understood is often caused by your two frameworks differing — it isn't yours alone to bear.

Write out "how I actually wanted to be understood"

Carrying the pain of not being understood, your head just spins in place on the question "why won't they get it?" So it helps to write out "how I actually wanted my parents to understand me" in a place no one else can see.

You write this not to convey it to them, but to confirm your own true feeling. "I didn't want agreement." "I just wanted them to receive it and say 'that must have been hard.'" "I wanted them not to deny my choice." As you write, the shape of what you truly wanted comes into view. Many people realize that what they sought wasn't a correct answer or permission, but simply to have their feeling received.

Let go of the expectation of "being understood," a little

Once you've written your true feeling out and sorted it, the next thing to consider is letting go, a little, of the expectation of "being understood by this person." The larger the expectation, the deeper the wound when understanding doesn't come. Rather than hitting the same wall and getting hurt each time, drawing a line — "this story won't land with this person" — can sometimes protect you better.

This isn't abandoning your parents, or turning cold in resignation. It's reselecting who you seek understanding from. Even if your parents can't understand you, there are others who will receive that feeling — a friend, or a space of your own like a journal. Once you stop demanding all your understanding from your parents alone, your heart grows much lighter.

Become your own best understander

When experiences of not being understood by your parents pile up, you can stop trusting even your own feelings — "maybe the way I feel is wrong." But your emotions are valid in themselves, whether or not anyone else approves of them.

So it matters to become the best understander of your own feelings. Reread the truth you wrote in your journal, days later. "Back then, I really was hurting" — acknowledge your own feeling, yourself. Even on days when no understanding comes from others, you alone can understand you. That accumulation grows a supple heart, one that isn't rocked by the pain of going unrecognized.

When the low mood lingers, lean on a professional

The pain of not being understood by your parents is something many people carry, but it deserves attention when it lingers. If low mood or sleeplessness lasts more than two weeks and disrupts daily life, please don't carry it alone.

Parent-child troubles run deep, and are often hard to sort out by the parties alone. A third party's perspective can unexpectedly lighten the heart. Please consider, as a positive step, consulting a professional — a counselor, a mental health clinic, or a public support line.

It's okay to let the truth that never reached them out as a "curse"

Trying to resign yourself with "of course they don't understand" won't make the loneliness of being misunderstood by someone close simply vanish. Rather than forcing it down, it's far easier to write out the truth that had nowhere to go and get it outside your head.

Noroi Nikki is an app for nights like that. There's no need to convert it into positivity. We built it as a place where you can let out the "I wanted to be understood" that never reached your parents, exactly as it is. What you write is seen by no one, and no one — your parents included — is dragged in. The pain of not being understood grows heavier the more you swallow it, and the more you write it, the clearer its shape becomes and the easier it is to handle. Write out the truth that didn't reach anyone today while it's still today, and receive it yourself.

References

• Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science, 8(3), 162–166. (A landmark study showing that expressive writing — putting emotions and experiences into words — is linked to reduced mental and physical stress.)