Relationship Anxiety Is Wearing You Out: Write the Worry Down and Let It Go

The reply to the message you sent is shorter and more clipped than usual. "Did I say something that bothered them?" you wonder, rereading that one line again and again. You replay the conversation, recall their expression in that moment, and "maybe they really do dislike me" swells into an imagining you have no way to confirm. Have you ever been through that?

What makes relationship anxiety so tricky is that, since you can't ask the person directly, it keeps circling in your head with no answer. The more you mind it, the more worn out you get, yet you can't simply stop minding it. This article is for anyone drained by relationship anxiety: it walks you through writing the worry down, splitting assumption from fact, and letting it go a little at a time.

Relationship anxiety grows from imagining ahead

Relationship anxiety weighs on you, in most cases, because your mind runs ahead and paints the worst reading of someone's reaction. A short reply, no read receipt, eyes that didn't meet yours — events that could have many reasons get one reflexive reading slapped on them: "they dislike me," "they're angry."

On top of that, repeating that reading over and over — rumination — makes the anxiety drag on. No answer comes unless you check with the person, yet the imagining keeps swelling. The trouble is, nothing gets settled inside your head alone. Still, being sensitive to others' reactions is a natural function of the mind trying to get along — it doesn't mean you're timid or that overthinking is a flaw in your character.

Write it down and split "fact" from "assumption"

Relationship anxiety is hard because the event that actually happened and your head's reading of it have fused into one. This is where writing to separate them helps.

Paper or a phone note is fine. First, write out only the facts of what you're stuck on. "The reply was the single word 'okay'" — that far is fact. Next, write the reading that rose in response on a separate line. "They must be angry." "They surely dislike me." Laid out this way, you'll see that the facts are tiny, and most of the rest was your own imagining.

You were being swept around by an unverifiable imagining as if it carried the same weight as an established fact. Just noticing that lets some tension drain from your shoulders. In most cases you can't know what the other person truly thinks. Holding something unknowable as unknowable is painful, so at least sort it — "this is fact, this is my reading" — and set the imagining aside for now.

The honest words you couldn't say are welcome here too

Relationship anxiety often mixes in not only "maybe they dislike me" but the honest feelings you couldn't say to the person. You really didn't like the way they put it; it feels like you're always the one being considerate — yet, not wanting to break the relationship, you swallowed those words, and they pile up along with the anxiety.

You don't have to force those feelings away. In a place no one can see, you may write them out exactly as they are, without dressing them up. Even one line — "honestly, that pissed me off" — lightens the swallowed feeling a little. There's no need to hurl the words at the person. Rather than stockpiling them in your head and chest, getting them out and looking at them sharpens the outline of how you actually feel.

Choosing to take distance

As you write and sort, you may notice, "when I'm with this person, I'm always worn thin." When relationship anxiety goes on and on, it can be a sign not just of your problem but that the relationship itself doesn't fit you.

You don't have to force every relationship to continue. Lowering how often you're in touch, taking a little distance — small choices like these are perfectly good self-protection too. Writing also helps by laying the material for such decisions outside your head where you can look at it.

When the strain keeps going

What's here is everyday self-care. If relationship anxiety brings intense tension that lasts a long time and you can't sleep, lose your appetite, or it disrupts work and life, it's generally considered a sign to talk to a professional such as a doctor or mental health specialist without toughing it out. Reaching out is never an overreaction. If self-care feels like more than you can hold, borrow a professional's help early.

Venting as a "curse" is allowed too

Be considerate, look for the good in them — some days those routines just don't fit. Being told "they're all good people" when you're exhausted from overthinking can make it harder.

Noroi Nikki is an app for those days. We built it as a place where you can let out the anxiety and frustration piled up in your relationships, in exactly the words you have — no need to dress them up. What you write is seen by no one and stays only within you. Put the thing you can't stop minding into words tonight and set it outside yourself for now.

References

• James W. Pennebaker, Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions (Guilford Press, 1997). A foundational body of research on the effects of writing out difficult experiences and emotions, known as expressive writing.