You Want to Cry but Can't. Writing to Loosen Stuck Emotions

Something painful happened, and yet no tears come. Your head knows you're sad, but the backs of your eyes stay dry and some part of your heart feels vaguely numb. Even when the people around you are crying, you alone stay quiet, and that in turn feeds the worry: "Am I a cold person?" You really want to let yourself cry, but somewhere the tears get stuck and won't come out.

Wanting to cry but being unable to doesn't mean your heart is broken, or that you're cold. More often, it means your heart has temporarily sealed off your feelings to protect you while you get through the hardship. This article covers a gentle way to write out stuck emotions, loosen them little by little, and let natural tears return.

Not Crying Is a Response That Protects the Heart

When you take a strong shock or heavy stress, feeling it all fully can be more than the heart can bear. So it temporarily turns down the emotional switch, making the pain harder to feel; this is understood to be a way the mind protects itself. Being unable to cry can be a sign this defense response is at work.

Likewise, if you've long been in the habit of suppressing emotion, telling yourself "I mustn't cry" or "crying won't help," tears can become hard to shed even when you want them. Keep the lid on your feelings long enough and you forget the feel of opening it.

What matters is not blaming yourself for being unable to cry. It isn't abnormal; it's proof of how hard your heart has been working. You can start simply by acknowledging the state as it is: "Right now, I want to cry but I can't."

Try Writing Out the "Can't Cry" Itself

Forcing tears when they won't come only makes the heart brace up further. So here's what I'd suggest instead: write out the very state you're in now, wanting to cry but being unable to.

"I should be sad but no tears come." "I don't really know what I'm feeling." "Maybe I actually want to cry on someone's shoulder." There's no need to make it tidy. Just put the fragments that surface into words, as they are. As you name the emotions and give them language, the frozen feelings can begin to come undone.

Hints for Writing to Loosen Stuck Feelings

When emotion is stuck and won't come out, try writing while posing questions like these to yourself. It's fine if no answer comes.

• Write out, as it comes, what you're actually sad about
• If that feeling had a color or a weight, what would it be
• If there were words you wished someone would hear, what are they
• What was the moment when you thought "I want to cry"

The act of putting painful experiences and feelings into writing has long been studied in psychology and is known to help settle the mind. Sometimes, as you write, a tear slips out. That's a sign the stuck emotion has begun to move. Rather than forcing tears, focus on feeling your emotions again.

Even if no tears come, there's no need to feel down. Writing itself is a fine way to get emotion out. Even without taking the form of tears, letting it out as words gradually lightens the heart.

When Numbness Persists, Reach Out

When an emotionally numb state lasts a long time, the heart can stop moving for painful things and joyful things alike. If low mood, sleeplessness, or an inability to enjoy anything lasts more than two weeks and interferes with daily life, consider consulting a psychosomatic or psychiatric clinic.

More than the not-crying itself, whether the difficulty in living persists is one useful gauge. Talking to a professional protects you far more than continuing to endure. Don't carry it alone; lean on medical help when you need it.

Writing can be the first step. Let's put the feelings you couldn't fully feel today into words, little by little.

References

• James W. Pennebaker, Opening Up by Writing It Down — research showing that expressive writing, putting painful experiences and feelings into words, supports mental and physical health.